Logic and Insanity

I've thought long and hard about whether to post this text (sketch? ultra-short story?) here. And I've thought long and hard about whether to write that I've thought long and hard about it. And whether- It's probably too personal. And the fact that I admit to realising that it's too personal makes it even more personal. And that in turn- The only consolation I have is that the fact that I have decided to - and am able to - post it means not everything is quite as described. Though the fact that I've admitted to realising that...

A silence. You finished talking. If I don’t say something now, the silence will go on forever. But it’s so difficult to say anything. And now I’m thinking about saying it, and the time for me to say it has passed...

– I – I’m talking now... They’re looking at me, you’re looking at me. Intensely. Like you think everything I say is worth listening to. Like I’m about to say something important. But this isn’t important! I’m just talking about myself again. I’m too shy to ask you about you. – I – Damn, now I’m stuttering. You’re looking at me, and I need all the strength I can muster to continue speaking. – sometimes have this thing – my voice sounds unnatural. You nod encouragingly. You know I’m finding this hard and you’re trying to help. But you’re making me think about the conversation again... – where I can’t start a conversation because – But this is ridiculous! Can’t start a conversation because I think about starting the conversation instead of simply starting it? Who’d be so insane as to mix up levels in such a way! And then I can’t finish what I started saying because I realise that I am now talking and start thinking about that, and then I think about all the times I thought about thinking about having a conversation in the middle of one... And I’m doing it yet again, thinking about thinking about thinking about... I can’t count it anymore – because... Never mind. I don’t know what I wanted to say. – I’m lying now, I’m lying now, I’M LYING NOW!

I have this thing sometimes where I can’t finish a text because I keep on thinking about...

Summer Reading

I don't usually write book reviews, but this one just kind of happened...

I spend most of my days at Oxford thinking “I love my course. It’s the perfect course for me.” And there’s plenty of reasons for me to think that: I enjoy writing my essays, solving my problems, I feel I get a lot out of my tutorials and lectures, mathematical and philosophical problems prevent me from falling asleep often enough for me to satisfy any definition of a nerd. But all these are, one might say, positive reasons for believing one’s course of action is the right one – but what about the negative ones? I have evidence that what I’m studying is a thing I enjoy, not that it is the thing.

It was quite different in my high school – biology, chemistry and Polish lessons were all living proof that math and physics were the two sole interesting (or at least understandable) subjects of study in the universe (we didn’t have philosophy at our school). But how much of this was bad teaching, how much my prejudice, and how much actual boringness of the non-mathematical subjects and my lack of talent in those directions? At university I don’t have to go through boring biology classes – instead, I go to a popular lecture or two every once in a while, enjoy conversations over dinner with people studying wide varieties of subjects, and my interest in everything under the sun grows all the time, threatening to reach the level of a five-year-old soon.

And so I’ve spent the book vouchers I received for proving in exams that my course was made just for me on biological/ neuropsychological literature which is threatening to provide a counterexample to my proofs... One of the books I bought was Lewis Wolpert’s “How We Live and Why We Die: The Secret Lives of Cells”.

I almost gave up on it in the middle of the second chapter. “When tall and short plants were crossed, the offspring were tall, and when these were crossed, one third were short, the others tall,” I read in the part about Mendel’s pea experiments... Now if I understood anything in biology lessons, it was Mendelian tables. And if I understood Mendelian tables, then one fourth, not one third, of the peas would be short. TT crossed with tt gives four Tts, Tt crossed with Tt gives one TT, two Tts and one tt. One tt. One short plant, three tall ones. So one fourth of the plants were short, and the short to tall plant ratio was one to three. How difficult is it to understand this distinction? If Lewis Wolpert can’t tell the difference between p/q and p/(p+q), how can I trust him to tell the difference between DNA and RNA, say, and explain that difference to me?

One slip could happen to anyone, of course. But there were other reasons for me to give up on Lewis Wolpert at that point. First and foremost – he can’t write. Or at least he can’t write popular science. He writes like a child, maybe a student – chopped up simple sentences, hardly a relative clause in there, he tries to glue the whole with some “so”s and “therefore”s, but the connection between the parts seems superficial. He has problems with his paragraphs – he starts completely new thoughts in the middle of one, as if pressing that “enter” button was too hard a job.

Many of his sentences are, I feel, ones about which my tutor would ask – “Can you explain why you wrote that? What was the overall structure of your essay? What were you trying to get across?” – to which I would respond with shamefaced silence. One maxim I got out of last year’s tutorials is surely “When in doubt, don’t write it” (this applies to sentences in essays, not in blog posts) – but Wolpert’s text seems to me full of sentences that serve no purpose (he pours out lists of diseases caused by viruses, bacteria, genetic disorders, sometimes only explaining the nature of the disease in a single line – in short, he forms a shopping list, the entity, when discovered within an essay, frowned upon by my tutor with endless disapproval.) Sure, Wolpert isn’t writing a philosophy essay – but he’s not writing a Wikipedia article either. And his text, at the heights of its style, is only as good as one.

If it was just bad style, I’d maybe let it pass without mention. Even things like “The cells of all animals and plants have evolved from much smaller single cell organisms such as bacteria and other single-cell organisms”. (Though the way he tops up the repetition with an inconsistency in his spelling of “single-cell organism” is infuriating.) Or like his hypercorrect “it was basically downhill all the way to we humans” (even my Word tells me to change the “we” to “us”). But when Wolpert’s linguistic clumsiness turns comical, the urge to share it with the wide world becomes to strong...

“The region that will give rise to human eggs and sperm can be identified about halfway through gastrulation in the mouse and thus probably at a similar stage in humans.” “Are you man or mouse?” acquires a whole new meaning in this context...

Or this: “there are a thousand million synapses in a tiny piece of our brain the size of a grain of sand – and think how many grains of sand there are in our brains!” I should hope none...

So much for Wolpert’s inability to write. I did end up finishing his book, so it can’t have been all that bad. Indeed, sometimes I was laughing with his sentences, not at them. Like “We have ten times as many bacterial cells in our body as we have normal body cells – a fact so surprising that you may need to read that again.” I read the first part of the sentence three times before I read the second, and I almost laughed out loud when I got to that. There were some fascinating facts presented in the book, and I must say for its defence that it’s immeasurably more interesting than my high school biology textbook. I was amazed at how fascinating all those things I had hated in high school were – but then I thought that they obviously should be. It’s the way our bodies, we, are built we’re talking about. Sure it’s interesting! What I can’t understand is that I’ve never yet found a book which actually presents it as such. Wolpert manages to do it a few times, but not, in my opinion, enough.

Stephen Hawking was allegedly told by his publishers that every equation decreases book sales by half – why hasn’t the same been said about biological terms? I’d love it if Wolpert exchanged some of his technical terminology for equations... Of course, our bodies are fiendishly complicated – that’s part of the beauty of the subject matter – but do we really have to name every molecule before we can talk about it?

Another thing which made the account in “The Secret Lives of Cells” difficult to follow was the complete lack of illustrations. I remember diagrams of mitosis and meiosis in our old textbook, and though I understood very little of what I was learning back then, I would have understood even less if it hadn’t been for them. And because Wolpert didn’t include such diagrams in his treatment of the matter, I still don’t understand the process completely.

Finally, there is the question of the opinion part of “How We Live and Why We Die”. “Poor argumentation,” my tutor would surely say. Wolpert spits out assertions with all the certainty of an anti-religious, anti-philosophical “Scientist”. He argues that genes determine some of who we are, saying: “Only someone blinkered and unthinking could believe that all the differences are cultural” and proceeding to talk about the differences between men and women. Sure, men and women are different, of course they are! But once he begins to treat the fact that boys and girls play with different toys as evidence for further genetic differences and expects us to continue believing that only someone “blinkered and unthinking” could not agree with him, his only argument is a statement of his conclusion...

Wolpert is well known for his claim that “It is not birth, marriage, or death, but gastrulation which is truly the most important time in your life”. It’s a nice phrase – but one which on reflection I think he is not entitled to utter. For he believes that the embryo is not a human being until it is roughly 36 days old. Gastrulation takes place at around 10 days – can he then, if it is not yet a person who gastrulates, call the process a part of your life, let alone the most important part of your life? There is a debate going on among philosophers of mind as to whether we are essentially persons or animals – for Wolpert’s beliefs about gastrulation and the status of the embryo to be consistent he would have to opt for the latter option. That is probably the option one would expect him to choose anyway, but it is nonetheless quite a claim to make!

From finding Wolpert’s mathematical mistake in genetics to frowning upon his lack of style and argumentation, writing this text has convinced me that I need not worry whether my course is the right one. I would like to take this moment to thank Professor Wolpert for bringing certainty into my life.

Nightmares Revisited: On Polish Education

This is going to be singularly unpatriotic. Quite awful of me, really, beating the hell out of Poland's educational system on an English-language blog. But throughout the whole of this year, my brother would tell me things about his school that made me really want to hit someone, and so I couldn't stand it any longer and decided this beating would have to take place, even against a defenceless enemy.

When I told a friend that we decided Chris would be best off being homeschooled, he replied in a voice full of concern “Are you sure about this? You know, there’s risks attached”.

The thing that would have risks attached would be keeping him in Polish school any longer. The risk of his voice trailing away into inaudibility, of his smiles hardening into irony, of “learning” becoming a synonym for “torture”. How can anyone believe homeschooling could have a more negative impact on social skills than Polish school? If I had been homeschooled, would I be any shyer than I am, would starting a conversation terrify me more than it already does? Or had my social inability perhaps been caused, at least in part, by collections of kids and teachers who mocked any attempt at uniqueness?

If there’s any non-genetic reason for my brother’s being more outgoing than I am, it’s the fact that he went to a private school, with a maximum of eight students per class. When I visited him there, I was astounded that he had absolutely no qualms about asking teachers questions. “But aren’t you afraid?” I would ask, and he would look at me with uncomprehending eyes and answer “Why would I be?” On entering middle school, he was not afraid either – yet. He would raise his hand during history lessons, sharing fascinating facts – for the first two months or so, at which point he realised that the teacher never once showed any appreciation of this, though she readily rewarded with “pluses” students who raised their hands to summarize the previous lesson or read a page in the textbook... Woe on you if you don’t fit in the tight box we’ve prepared for you...

About those boxes... There’s much talk these days of tolerance, of combating discrimination and that sort of thing. But – I say – intolerance will never be defeated. Not as long as the average human is anything like what he’s like today, anyway. Sure, you can have black and gay people star in leading roles in films, and yes, it will make the average TV-viewer think better of them. But the most you can achieve that way is getting people to leave some boxes alone. Ah, he’s black, can’t touch him. But what if someone doesn’t fit in any box? Or rather, what if your box is too unique for the common man? Long as there won’t be any Beatle-loving, American-accented but Polish-born movie stars who wear chequered shirts and don’t believe in God or free will but smile much more often than is socially acceptable, kids will continue to make fun of other kids.

So, I ask – where’s the social danger of homeschooling? In having fewer, but much closer and realer friends? In having time to be with your family, who gives you infinitely more support than even the best of teachers? In segregating yourself from people who don’t appreciate you? In living in a pretend world? Damn it, I say – leave me alone, let me live in my “pretend” world. Oxford is such a world – why should it be any less real than the bleak reality of Polish middle school?

So much for the defence of homeschooling. I still owe you an attack on Polish school, though – for there are stupid kids everywhere, yet we didn’t consider homeschooling when living in Bristol.

When I describe the Polish education system to friends here in England, I hear my voice from a new perspective and somehow I find that what I’m saying is too incredible to be true. And yet Polish people on the whole cannot even imagine it being different.

The one thing that neither my Oxford friends nor I can ever understand is the practice of “oral answering”. What it means is that during each lesson, the teacher has a right to choose any student and ask him or her questions (while the student stands up, oftentimes in front of the whole class) about the past three lessons – and grade him or her on his or her answers. What – will someone ever explain this to me? – can the purpose of such a practice possibly be? To make your insides do somersaults at the start of each lesson? To teach you that what matters in life is ultimately luck (for no student ever prepares for each and every lesson)? And what claims to fairness can this practice have? How does asking one student one set of questions compare to asking another student another set on a different day?

Perhaps the idea is to teach you to work under stress. Great. Concentration camps probably taught people the same.

Oxford tutorials are stressful. But they serve a purpose – they make you think more clearly, teach you to defend your point of view, structure your argument clearly, etc. But the typical “oral answering”, consisting of questions about facts, not puzzles to think about, serve none of these purposes. And even the few that are a bit more sensible (e.g. physics “answering”, which tends to consist of solving problems on the board) differ from Oxford tutorials in that they are graded.

This brings me to another issue I have with the Polish system – students are graded on how they learn, not just on what they learn. You are expected to be systematic – learn from day to day, do your homework regularly, etc. But people are different. Some are organized, some aren’t, and I don’t think there’s a strict correlation between this and intellectual ability. From my point of view, if you learn what you need to learn in time for the exam, it shouldn’t matter whether you studied twenty minutes each day for the week leading up to the exam, or the whole night before it. But here, you have to opt for the twenty minutes per day.

And what of free time? In middle school in the US, right before going back to the nightmare of Polish education, after arriving home after the day’s lessons I’d play Pinball on the computer for an hour. Then I’d talk to my family for a long time, laze around, maybe play some games with my brother, go to the park and play tennis with Dad, go to a concert maybe. I’d spend perhaps an hour doing homework.

Now the Polish teacher will mock this with all the venom he can spit out, and cite my description as evidence of the awful state of American education. But – I believe with all my might – long hours spent talking with family over dinner, tennis, concerts, even Pinball are extremely important, in a way that memorizing definitions of biological terms never will be. Polish teachers think their school should be your life – but to what end? Do I remember any of the definitions I struggled hours and hours to learn? You improved your memory, they’ll say – but science is not about memory. I would have done better to read a book of my choice than to study for those pointless exams. And that’s what bothers me most about the amount of work you get in Polish school – you don’t even have time to learn other things you might have preferred to learn.

In Poland, you have to take all the courses there are. Even in high school, every student takes, apart from mathematics, Polish, and physical education, things like “knowledge about society”, "history of art”, and “preparation for defence” (yes, “preparation for defence”, or “military education” – sounds like we’re in communist Russia, doesn’t it? After two years of that subject I still haven’t a clue what it’s about...). The belief behind this is that there are things everyone needs to know. This myth is so widespread that when I moved to Bristol to do my A-levels, even otherwise perfectly sane and sensible friends from Poland asked me whether I was worried that if I only studied maths, physics and English, my “general education” would suffer. But what is the general education hidden in falling asleep in “preparation for defence” lessons or memorizing definitions of biological terms? Surely the free time I spent in England reading books, watching BBC documentaries, visiting museums and travelling contributed to my general education in an infinitely richer and more meaningful way...

Another contrast between the Polish and Western systems I’ve lately discovered is the fact that while in the West education seems to be geared towards success, in Poland it is geared towards failure. Let me explain. I’m a student at Oxford, allegedly a pretty good university. And yet – the horror! – all our lecture notes are available online, as is the syllabus, which tells us exactly what will be on the exams, and as are past papers from the last ten years, which make doing well on an exam, to Polish eyes, trivially easy. For a professor, master of your future, should have the divine power to throw whatever questions he fancies at you, laughing manically as you struggle to attempt them.

When I hear intelligent Polish friends worry whether they’ll pass their exams, I think something’s deeply wrong. Exams are for passing, not failing, my friend.

In the same way, Polish middle school teachers fail to praise. As if saying “good job” hurt. And it certainly hurts less than not hearing it said does – and much, much less than hearing the venomous comments teachers sometimes make in Poland (I’ve said this in another article in another place: when I first moved to the US, I was greeted with “How wonderful you joined us!”, whereas in Poland the greeting was “You’ll have so much work you’ll never catch up – the level of American education is so low”...).

Did I mention cheating on exams? If you’re expected to memorize ridiculous amounts of utterly unimportant facts, the temptation is just too strong... The students in my brother’s class, the most intelligent and resourceful in the school, cheat on almost every exam. The one time he followed in their lead, he was caught...

When faced with all these accusations, a teacher might say: your brother is lying. Or at least exaggerating. Even if I hadn’t gone through the same hell of Polish school and didn’t know exactly what my brother was talking about, I’d have a strong urge to punch the teacher in the face. Students. Are. To. Be. Trusted. Innocent until proven guilty. Praised before blamed. Appreciated.

I believe in education without stress. If you say a stressless school wouldn’t prepare you for the real world, I reply: we make the real world. If we have an educational system which teaches students not to trust anyone, to be eternally stressed out, cheat, memorize random facts thoughtlessly and despise people different from themselves, that’s what our real world will be like.

To sum up: my brother and I are wimps who are/were unable to survive in the completely sensible world of Polish school, a world of loving teachers and caring pupils who form one big, happy family. We require constant praise, ridiculous amounts of free time, we have no concern for the value of general education and no respect for teachers or students.

That’s the idea – now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a wimpy tutorial with a wimpy tutor who praises me, to prepare for a wimpy Oxford exam.

Because

This was originally written in Polish, for a competition. The requirement was that it start with "I like oranges because..." and that you buy a kilogram of oranges along with it. As the nearby Tesco didn't have enough oranges, I was left with this text...

I like oranges because they can instil life into any still life. They are suns the size of your palms, suns that can be placed in the lower right-hand corner of a painting, where the sticky juice of golden light drips onto them succulently. Where it touches them hardest, they reply with pale goose bumps; elsewhere they merely smile warmly. When you place them next to red-and-green apples, they contrast with a color full of enthusiasm, at the same time calming their spotty cousins with a uniformity of finish.

You can cut them a bit with a bluish knife, and a delicate smell of pale gold pieces dressed in flimsy white fluff will fill the painting to the brim.

You hold in your hands the suns of the South, picked for you from a sky without a single cloud – orange distilled from the essence of blueness. Eat them; that’s what they’re for.