Logic and Insanity

I've thought long and hard about whether to post this text (sketch? ultra-short story?) here. And I've thought long and hard about whether to write that I've thought long and hard about it. And whether- It's probably too personal. And the fact that I admit to realising that it's too personal makes it even more personal. And that in turn- The only consolation I have is that the fact that I have decided to - and am able to - post it means not everything is quite as described. Though the fact that I've admitted to realising that...

A silence. You finished talking. If I don’t say something now, the silence will go on forever. But it’s so difficult to say anything. And now I’m thinking about saying it, and the time for me to say it has passed...

– I – I’m talking now... They’re looking at me, you’re looking at me. Intensely. Like you think everything I say is worth listening to. Like I’m about to say something important. But this isn’t important! I’m just talking about myself again. I’m too shy to ask you about you. – I – Damn, now I’m stuttering. You’re looking at me, and I need all the strength I can muster to continue speaking. – sometimes have this thing – my voice sounds unnatural. You nod encouragingly. You know I’m finding this hard and you’re trying to help. But you’re making me think about the conversation again... – where I can’t start a conversation because – But this is ridiculous! Can’t start a conversation because I think about starting the conversation instead of simply starting it? Who’d be so insane as to mix up levels in such a way! And then I can’t finish what I started saying because I realise that I am now talking and start thinking about that, and then I think about all the times I thought about thinking about having a conversation in the middle of one... And I’m doing it yet again, thinking about thinking about thinking about... I can’t count it anymore – because... Never mind. I don’t know what I wanted to say. – I’m lying now, I’m lying now, I’M LYING NOW!

I have this thing sometimes where I can’t finish a text because I keep on thinking about...